Three weeks before Christmas, I put up my Christmas tree. This year I decided that my small, shrub-like fake tree, which I bought years ago when my apartment banned real trees, was inadequate. I went to Fred Meyer and found an elegantly slender, conical, pre-lit tree. While I was there, I bought a couple strands of old-fashioned, colored C-7 bulbs to put in my apartment windows, which is something I’d thought about several times over the years but never seemed to get around to. Once they were hung and the tree was up, the colored lights gave a warm, soothing glow to my living room and it was time to pull the ornaments out of the closet. |
One medium-sized file box holds most of the accumulated holiday decorations of the last 36 years. True, the collection was reduced sixteen years ago when my marriage ended and my ex and I sat down and divvied the ornaments up between us. But I kept most of the Disney ornaments and those that were significant to me.
The first year of my marriage, we bought a white porcelain snowman at the annual craft bazaar at the college we were attending. We had been married for three months, and it truly felt that we were investing in a memory. Over the years, that was always the first ornament we hung on the tree. When our daughter came along, she learned to wait while Mom and Dad found just the right spot for the snowman. It might surprise many (not the least of whom would be my former wife, Linda) to know that to this day, that little snowman is the first ornament on my tree every year. |
Then come the Disney ornaments - two complete sets and a myriad individual themed ornaments from classic Disney films and cartoons. We had a solid collection, and it ended up with me, with a notable exception. Linda has a long association with productions of Peter Pan in at least two theaters in Portland over the years. Every Peter Pan, Wendy and Tinkerbell ornament went with her. |
I have done shows in the fall and winter, and I have a few ornaments commemorating those experiences. In a production of “Narnia” at Northwest Children’s Theatre I played Father Christmas, and now have several Father Christmas ornaments given to me by members of the cast.
Among my favorite onstage experiences is a production of “Ragtime” ten years ago at Lakewood. I played a generally disliked character - Father - and did my best to make him sympathetic. I still consider it some of the best work I have done as an actor, and one of the strongest productions in which I’ve been involved. Two of my cast-mates painstakingly created ornaments for the cast. As I hang those on the tree every year, I still feel pride in the accomplishment and fellowship of that show. |
When Linda and I first separated and I faced my first Christmas in my own place, I didn’t want trimming the tree with my daughter, Erin, to be a sad evening with the two of us, a reminder of the still-fresh change in our lives. At that time I was still in retail at the zoo, with a much more mentoring relationship with a smaller staff than I deal with now. I invited a few of “my kids” from the zoo over for an evening get-together to help decorate my tree. Unprompted, a few of them brought ornaments with them. I still have those little snowmen - reminders of a particularly rewarding time in my career, and of friends who helped me through a trying time.
A great source of joy and comfort to me is the fact that my former wife’s family still considers me part of the family. I grew up wanting little sisters, and when I married the oldest of four girls I got that wish. After twenty years, I wasn't going to give them up just because I wasn’t married to their sister any more! I have had them for brunch every Boxing Day since, and some have brought ornaments for my tree. Every year, as I unpack my decorations, things like a glass Puget Sound ferry remind me how lucky I am to have them in my life. |
I’ve never bothered counting exactly how many ornaments hang on my tree every year. It doesn’t really matter. They are much more important one at a time. It is not an elegant tree, with ribbons, garland and matching colored balls. Instead, it is a collection of memories and reminders that I am not alone. Reminders that I am, and have been, loved.
I have the handmade snowman in the quilted box that my mother made the year before I was married. I have the fusilier bear that I bought at Buckingham Palace after touring the state rooms during my first international trip this past September. Thirty-six years separate those two ornaments. Thirty-six years that represent my adult life. |
What I considered as I hung that porcelain snowman on my tree this year was what the tree ultimately meant to me. The past - in the memories held in each and every piece of glass and plastic that I hung. The present - in the care and joy that I took in getting it right, and how that shows my current state of mind.
The future? Well, for the first time in over a decade I upgraded. The new tree, the lights in the windows. What does that mean? I’m thinking that it means that I’m looking at Christmases ahead and feeling good about what I’m seeing. I’m looking at my final span of years at the zoo, and what might come next. I’m seeing artistic possibilities I may not have seen before. I see my daughter on her own as an adult, a professional and a partner in a strong marriage. I’m planning more trips, and feeling more comfortable being alone. |
Scrooge had three ghosts. I have a single Christmas tree, and it tells me I’m okay.
Happy Holidays, and all the best in 2017!
ron
Happy Holidays, and all the best in 2017!
ron