I could say that it used to be easier, but I would be lying. It did used to be different. You had your social circle, a mixed group - male, female, gay, straight, single or coupled - all united by some commonality. The theatre kids, the cheerleaders, the Sub-Tee Deltas, the marketing department.
Timbers fans.
These were the cliques in high school, the clubs or the different disciplines in college, the workgroups or hobbies or just neighborhoods later in life. These groups helped define us, and gave us a sense of community and belonging. They made us feel a part of something.
There were side benefits of these groups that you didn't necessarily recognize at the time. These groups provided the Dating Pool. The unspoken theory was that if you spend time in a common interest with members of the opposite sex, you would develop healthy friendships, some of which might naturally grow into mutual attraction. You already know each other, so the step into a dating relationship was fairly low risk. Right?
Of course, some of these groups are not really viable choices. Working groups are notoriously poor places to find a partner, and it is often even prohibited. Same sex groups - at least in my orientational headspace - don't really provide the option. But all of your friends have other friends, and the dream of hearing a friend say, "Oh, have I got a girl for you!" lives on. There is always the fantasy of the friend-arranged blind date going right. They know you both already, so why shouldn't it? Right?
It doesn't seem to work that way any more.
I became single in 2000, and as recently as that internet dating sites were still considered a last resort of the desparate, and a gamble at best. And you didn't tell people you were looking online for dates, much less have discussions about it. A common promise made on these sites was "If we hit it off, I promise to lie about how we met!"
How things have changed! Social media in general has not just changed the way we interact and keep up with our friends, it has affected all of our intercourse with the world around us. I noticed a few months ago that email was no longer the primary source of communication with most of my friends. We now contact each other through facebook. We rarely send cards anymore. Responses to life events - birthdays, babies, anniversaries - can be reduced to something as simple as liking a post. If we really care, we might comment. If we really want to show how we feel, we find an appropriate meme!
And it isn't just individuals who have had to change the way they interact with the world. It used to be enought to advertise on social media with a banner ad or a popup. Companies now have to go beyond advertising on social - they hire consultants to develop a social media strategy, and carry specialists on staff to manage their social media presence.
So it is hardly surprising that dating sites now seem to be the most common way that couples meet. That stigma that kept you from admitting that you were "looking online" has been replaced with the assumption that you are. "Have you thought about...?" has become "Well, what sites are you on?" There is no longer a shallow end to the dating pool.
Among my upcoming comfort zone challenges are a lot of typical ways of meeting women that I've never done. I've never met someone at a bar. I've never asked for, hence never gotten, a phone number from a stranger. Never been set up (maybe you can help with that one.) Never casually dated a friend.
I have met a couple (yes, two) women from dating sites. I'll tell you about those later. Right now I'm tasking myself with a little research. What are these sites? How do they differ and how are they the same? What works? What doesn't?
What about you? It never hurts to have a little input. What wisdom would you share with me? What experiences have you had?
What sites are you on?